What the Bible Has to Say to Dad's Part III.

 

Previously, we looked at what it means to bring our children up in the admonition of the Lord, and in this post, I want to focus on the training part of Ephesians 6. As I previously stated, training has the idea of teaching through discipline. Although children learn what is expected of them, sometimes they lack the incentive to carry it out, and discipline helps to reinforce these teachings. The Bible has a lot to say about child discipline, and probably the best place to look is in the book of Proverbs.

The first passage I want to look at states, “Chasten thy son while there is hope, and let not thy soul spare for his crying.” (Pro 19:18) Here we see that parents are to discipline their children while there is hope, because the time will come when it is too late to effectively discipline them. The fact that Solomon says to not let our souls spare for his crying implies the major part of this discipline is to take place in their early years. If our children have reached their teenage years, and we have neglected to train and discipline them, we’re in for some major problems. In a lot of cases, it will be too late to have a major influence in changing their behavior. The fact that we are told not to let our souls spare for their crying also tells us that this discipline should not be pleasant. Whatever the discipline, it should cost the child something. Many parents neglect to discipline their children because it causes them to cry or be upset, and no doubt many children have learned to manipulate their parents to avoid this discipline. However, this is exactly what they need.

The next question that arises is, what type of discipline does the Bible teach? Proverbs again states, “Foolishness is bound in the heart of a child; but the rod of correction shall drive it far from him.” (Pro 22:15) Any of us who have had children know that they do not have to be taught to sin; it comes naturally. This is because they are born with a sin nature just like you and me. We were all born foolish, and it takes the Lord and our parents’ loving discipline to drive it from us. The means by which the Lord has chosen to drive foolishness from children is a spanking, and the instrument He has prescribed is the rod.

Let’s start by defining spanking.  Spanking is the act of striking a child on the buttocks with the open hand or a rod of some sorts.  The rear-end is the best place since it is well-padded, and if administered properly, the spanking will not bruise or otherwise injure the child. My own state of Washington defines what is considered child abuse, and I have to say, I actually agree with them for a change. The pain inflicted cannot be greater than transient pain or temporary marks. Contrary to popular belief, there is no mention in the law of the forbidding of the use of a rod. Modern psychology tells us that spanking is harmful to a child, and can cause them to have mental and emotional instability.  Make no mistake, child abuse does happen, and it is both wrong and harmful to children.  However, the Lord is a loving heavenly Father, and if He says spanking is necessary, then it is not child abuse regardless of what modern psychology or anyone else says on the subject.

This brings us then to what the Scriptures mean by the rod.  The word for rod here refers to a wooden stick that was used for varying purposes such as chastening, for measuring, a shepherd’s crook, or even a king’s scepter. The size of the rod also varied depending on its use, so context is crucial in determining the correct meaning. The Hebrew definition refers to a scion, which is a shoot or twig.  This would be a one-year-old sucker from a tree that is roughly the size of a pencil. In other words, a good old-fashioned switch. Similar items such as a ruler or wooden spoon would also be an appropriate instrument to use. Again, the idea is to cause temporary pain for a child as a deterrent for that behavior in the future, but not to injure them or leave lasting marks. This would be in line with how a loving parent should discipline a child as taught throughout the rest of the Scriptures. The Scriptures do not forbid the use of our hands in spanking, but in every instance that corporal discipline is mentioned in the Bible it refers to the use of a rod. I think the main reason for this is that our hands are meant to show love and affection, as well as protection. This also helps ensure the discipline is more methodical rather than just a knee jerk reaction of spanking the child for something they have done. There are always those times when a child needs corporal discipline when a rod is not available, but from the Scriptures we can see that the use of the rod is to be the norm. It should not be excessive, but only enough to get the point across. The spanking is not appropriate for every type of bad behavior, but the Scriptures give us guidance on this as well.

Next, we see that a spanking is not for every type of inappropriate behavior, but for foolishness: “Foolishness is bound in the heart of a child.” It is for stubborn and defiant behavior. The child must know it is wrong, and has chosen against his or her parent’s wishes to do it anyway. If he or she has never been taught, then a spanking is not appropriate because proper instruction has not taken place. It is also not for childhood immaturity or impulsive behavior (as frustrating as that can be at times). For example, a boy throwing a ball in the house and breaking something valuable would be considered inappropriate behavior, but it is not a spank-able offense. In this case it would be better to use some other sort of discipline to correct the behavior. The exception to this would be behavior that is too dangerous for the child to repeat, such as running out into the street. I remember when my oldest son was little: we went for a walk in which he decided, for no apparent reason, to jump off the sidewalk, and began running in the street. Thankfully there were no cars coming, but I gave him a swat on his behind and told him to stay on the sidewalk.

There are a few other sins that, in my opinion, fall into this category of foolish behavior. One is lying, especially when done out of self-preservation. Lying was the devil’s tactic to tempt Eve and Adam into sin, and, according to Jesus, it is his nature. I have seen it do a lot of damage in relationships: it breaks down trust, and demonstrates that individual that created the offense is not really repentant. It also leaves us out of fellowship with the Lord, as we are unwilling to admit our own sins. One of the things my dad instilled in my sister and I is that, if we told the truth, we would get in a lot less trouble. If we lied about it, it was almost always a spanking. This is a principle my wife and I have passed onto our children. We want to encourage them to tell us the truth no matter what, and if they know they will get in the same amount of trouble regardless, they will be more apt to hide it from us. On occasion, the act may be serious enough to require a spanking, kind of like the dad who pulled his five sons aside, and said, “alright, I want to know which one of you boys pushed the outhouse over the edge of the ravine into the creek.” There was a pause, and then Billy, his youngest son, spoke up and said, “Pa, just like George Washington, I cannot tell a lie, it was me.” His dad said, “Ok, son, go find yourself a switch.” Billy protested, “But, Pa, when George Washington cut down the cherry tree and told the truth, his dad didn’t punish him.” His dad responded, “Well, son, George Washington’s father wasn’t in the cherry tree when he cut it down.”

The other sin that I believe warrants a spanking is complaining and arguing. I lump them together because if you do one, you are really doing both. My reasoning for including this in foolish behavior is because it got the children of Israel in a lot of trouble in their wilderness wanderings. Traveling around in the desert in 120+ degree temperatures would have been rough, rougher than any of us have it, but the Lord still didn’t tolerate their murmurings. Complaining and arguing have both spiritual and natural consequences that are experienced by children and adults alike. I believe we need to hear our children out when they come to us with concerns or questions, but in the moment they are asked to do something, they should be trained to do it without complaining or arguing.

So, what about behavior that is not foolish? For those behaviors that are simply done out of immaturity or not knowing better, the Scriptures do not have a lot to say. In those instances, I believe it is up to us as parents to come up with creative ways to instill in our kids the behavior is not appropriate.

Spanking, like all other forms of discipline, is not to be done in anger. Proverbs again states, “He who sows iniquity will reap sorrow, and the rod of his anger will fail.” (Pro 22:8) So when you or I discipline our children in anger (spanking in particular), the Bible says that we are sinning, and the discipline will fail. At this point we have lost sight of the point of the discipline, and it has really become more self-serving rather than for the good of the child. Our children are able to perceive this, and it hardens their hearts toward us and can provoke them to anger. As men we are generally more prone to be impatient and short-tempered, but we need to remember we are representing the Lord to our children. When we are impatient and short-tempered, our children naturally begin to view their heavenly Father in the same way, and this can be a difficult obstacle for them to overcome. When I was a child, my parents used to send us to our rooms for a while before they administered whatever discipline they thought necessary, and now that I am a parent I understand why. It allows the child time to think about what he or she has done, and it gives us time as parents to cool down if necessary and rationally consider the proper discipline. I’m sure my parents wanted to throttle me at times, but by the time they administered any discipline, I rarely recall them being angry. Also, pray for wisdom. There have been a few occasions when I was not sure what type of discipline to administer, and after praying about it, it became clear to me what to do.

There are just a few additional Scriptures I want to share from Proverbs that deal with this topic. The first is in Proverbs 23. It states, “Withhold not correction from the child: for if thou beatest him with the rod, he shall not die.  Thou shalt beat him with the rod, and shalt deliver his soul from hell.” (V 13-14) We are told to not withhold correction from our children, for it is not going to kill them. Oh, they may act like it’s going to, but the truth is it is quite the opposite. It even goes as far as to say when we beat (more accurately to strike) them with the rod it will deliver their soul from Hell. This passage should settle the debate on whether or not the rod is literal. “How does it deliver their soul from Hell,” you might ask? By disciplining our children, we are instilling in them the concepts of right and wrong and that there are consequences for our actions. Instilling in them this sense of right and wrong keeps their heart soft and allows the Holy Spirit room to bring conviction over their sin and their need for Jesus Christ. When we reject this part of God’s Word, we are potentially delaying our child’s receiving the Gospel, if not altogether. Back in chapter 13 Solomon wrote, “He that spareth his rod hateth his son: but he that loveth him chasteneth him betimes.” (V 24) We may think we are loving our children by sparing them this type of discipline, but the Lord is actually saying we hate them. We hate them because we refuse to provide the correct deterrent for the foolish behavior that could bring them both physical and spiritual harm or destruction. The word “betimes” means immediately and consistently. It is important, particularly when the child is young, to administer the appropriate discipline immediately following the behavior. This ensures the child remembers what they have done and associates the discipline with the behavior. Consistency is also important so that the child knows what to expect each time they repeat the same offense.  In contrast, the Lord says through Solomon, “Correct thy son, and he shall give thee rest; yea, he shall give delight unto thy soul.”  When we correct our children the way the Bible instructs us, it gives us rest and we can delight in them.  We can eliminate so many problems that will cause us and them worry, pain and heartache, and just enjoy them for who God has called them to be.  They will not be perfect; for none of us are, but hopefully we can train them so most of that foolish behavior is trained out of them while they are young and the consequences are much less severe.

If you are a parent who has really blown it in raising your children, it is never truly hopeless when you have the Lord. A couple of months ago, I spoke with a man at Church who gave his testimony of how he came to the Lord. He was a raging alcoholic who had been in and out of marriages, and had had children from various relationships. After he and his wife came to the Lord, they gave up alcohol, and one by one their children (including those from other partners began getting saved. I do not recall exactly, but most, if not all of them, have come to know Jesus Christ. God is faithful, folks! When we get right with Him through faith and repentance, there is no limit to what He can and may do for your children.

 

Additional Resources

 

How and How Not to Spank a Child (One of the best messages my wife and I have heard on the subject)

Children and the Rod of Correction

The Dr. James Dobson Parenting Collection

 

What the Bible Says to Dads Part. II.

 

In my previous post, we see how Paul gave fathers a negative command to not provoke their children to anger, but his positive command is to bring them up in the training and admonition of the Lord. I believe he addresses the anger problem first, because if a parent (especially a dad) is angry, the children will not want to listen to him, even if he is teaching them what is right. Even if the child ultimately wants to listen, his or her own struggles with bitterness and resentment may make it difficult to do so. The Scriptures stress the importance of parents having their children’s hearts, and I believe being slow to anger is a major ingredient in this. Having our children’s hearts is their protection against sin, sexual sin in particular. Solomon writes, “My son, give me your heart, and let your eyes observe my ways. For a harlot is a deep pit, and a seductress is a narrow well. She also lies in wait as for a victim, and increases the unfaithful among men.” (Pro 23:26-27) I remember hearing from a dad with several children one time that children will not be prone to rebellion because of too many rules, unless we as parents have a rotten attitude along with them. I do believe it is possible to have too many rules, but our attitude as parents greatly affects how our children respond to whatever rules we do have.

Going back to Ephesians, Paul again here is addressing dads, not because it does not apply to moms, but because the Lord knows the dad’s tendency is to allow the training to happen by the mother or the Sunday school class. As dads, we are to be the leaders in raising our children to fear and love God.

Both the words training and admonition speak to the rearing of a child, but the former refers to a training by act (discipline), while the latter refers to a training by word. Both are necessary for the rearing of the child. Proverbs says, “The rod and rebuke give wisdom, but a child left to himself brings shame to his mother.” (Pro 29:15) Without the verbal instruction, the child lacks the understanding of what is right and wrong, and although he or she is disciplined, will not understand why or how to change their behavior. Without the discipline, the child will understand what is expected of him or her, but will often lack the incentive to change. Most of us probably remember what happened in school when there was a substitute teacher. We knew what was expected of us by our regular teacher, but we knew the sub would probably not know those expectations and be a lot more lenient. In this post I will primarily focus on the verbal instruction.

So, what do the Scriptures state about verbally instructing our children? In Deuteronomy it states, “And these words which I command you today shall be in your heart. You shall teach them diligently to your children, and shall talk of them when you sit in your house, when you walk by the way, when you lie down, and when you rise up. You shall bind them as a sign on your hand, and they shall be as frontlets between your eyes. You shall write them on the doorposts of your house and on your gates.” (Deut 6:6-9) And as we previously saw, “My son, keep your father’s command, and do not forsake the law of your mother. Bind them continually upon your heart; tie them around your neck. When you roam, they will lead you; when you sleep, they will keep you; and when you awake, they will speak with you. For the commandment is a lamp, and the law a light; reproofs of instruction are the way of life.” (Prov 6:20-23) So, as we can see, God’s word is to be in our hearts, we are to talk about it regularly, and we are to teach it to our children. It is our lamp, our light, and our way of life.

Incidentally, the Deuteronomy passage is one of the strongest biblical justifications for home schooling in my opinion: It is difficult to send your kids to public school for eight hours, to sports for another two to four, and still obey this Scripture. Teachers and coaches are spending more time with our kids than we are in many cases. There are some good teachers and coaches out there, but they just cannot replace the role that a parent plays in their child’s life. This is why I believe family devotions are so important. Going to Church once or twice a week is just not enough to counter-act the onslaught of evil our kids (and for us for that matter) are facing on a daily basis. We need that time spent together as a family in the word of God. I remember when my wife and I were first married, I thought we would maybe do family devotions once or twice a week, but she reminded me of the Scriptures that talk about the priests offering sacrifices morning and evening. So, we began doing them daily, and then we moved to doing them both morning and evenings. Although there are days when we haven’t for whatever reason, it has become a consistent part of our family life, and we have been abundantly blessed for it. We don’t do it as a rule to keep, but as a model to follow for getting our spiritual nourishment. I have often wondered why the Lord repeated Himself so much in the first five books of the Old Testament, but repetition is how we learn. It is how we get it in our hearts, and it is how we can talk about it throughout the day. Seeing their parents do this is how our children learn the word and how to pray. Remember, it is our lamp, our light, and our way of life. In the following post, we will take a look at the training aspect of raising children.

What the Bible Says About Dads Part I.

 

In my last post, I wrote about what is really the Lord’s directives to children, but as parents we can glean from the passage as well. We saw that children are the sole responsibility of their parents, and it is the parents’ job to teach them obedience. As parents, we should be open to instruction on how to be a better parent, but we should not allow others to undermine this authority.

The second directive in this passage is to dads. Fathers are not to provoke their children to anger. I believe this applies to both parents, but the Lord, in His wisdom, knows that dads have a greater tendency to struggle with this. There are a lot of things that can provoke our children to anger, but in my experience, nothing provokes anger more than someone else’s anger. Especially as dads, we are the head authority figure, and what we say goes. When a dad becomes angry, it can be quite intimidating from the perspective of a small child. When they are younger, children will normally comply out of fear, but as they grow, that can turn into resentment, bitterness, and rebellion. It really places a child or teenager in a difficult spot: If they want to please the Lord, they will try to obey and honor their parents, but they are not left a lot of recourse when the parent is easily angered and becomes unreasonable. This anger does not have to be abuse, as most of us are not beating on our wives or kids. It can be merely impatience, unwillingness to listen, and quick to mete out punishments that are harsh or more than is necessary. If we are parents, most of us have been on both the giving and receiving end of this type of anger. However, I believe the major problem lies when we are in the habit of acting this way toward our children. Paul even adds another detail in his letter to the Colossians that the child can become discouraged. If a child is having issues with anger, depression, or rebellion, there is a good chance there is a parent or other authority figure at home with an anger problem.

So, let’s take a look at some passages in the Bible that talk about anger. Paul wrote to the Ephesians, “Let all bitterness, wrath, anger, clamor (loud quarreling), and evil speaking be put away from you, with all malice. And be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, even as God in Christ forgave you.” (Eph 4:31-32) Wrath here refers to a sudden outburst of passion, while anger refers to that ongoing anger that smolders beneath the surface and leads to bitterness and hatred. Anyone who has had children can attest that they are certainly capable of provoking both types of anger in us. We are told to put both wrath and anger away from us and forgive as God has forgiven us in Christ. James says, “So then, my beloved brethren, let every man be swift to hear, slow to speak, slow to wrath; for the wrath of man does not produce the righteousness of God.” (James 1:19-20) Back in Ephesians 4, Paul wrote to be angry and sin not. This refers to an outside force provoking us that we are told not to allow it to draw us into sin.

Our tendency as dads sometimes is to think that we need to use our anger to motivate our kids to do what we want, to toughen them up, or to make them successful in life. This may appear to work in the short-term; however, it does not in the long-run. David wrote of the Lord, “You have also given me the shield of Your salvation; Your right hand has held me up, Your gentleness has made me great.” (Psa 18:35) It was not the Lord’s anger, harshness, or meanness that made David great, but it was His gentleness. For those of us who have read about David, he was no wimp. He was a man’s man who was a successful warrior, but he was also a man after God’s own heart. The Lord had David’s heart, and I believe this was largely due to His gentleness (more on that in the next post). Do not misunderstand, I am not saying that we cannot be firm or even raise our voices with our children, for firmness is exactly what they need at times. This firmness is something are wives have a more difficult time matching, especially with teenage boys. However, this firmness should be rooted in love rather than pride and anger. Sometime ago I remember asking one of my kids to do something for me, and not wanting to do it, he protested, “how does that play out, Dad?” My first thought was, “who does this little twirp think he is?” I felt that irritation begin to set in, but I was able to take a step back from it and give him the correction I believe was needed in the moment. After the moment passed, I even found myself chuckling about it. Teenagers are learning to think for themselves and to be independent, and sometimes they get it wrong. It’s our job as parents to remind them from time to time that they still need to submit to and respect authority as we all do in one form or another.

In summary, anger is an emotion that has been given to us by God, but because of sin, can quickly degenerate into destructive behavior in us and in others. We are told when we feel that begin to rise up within us, to put it away. For our children who are young and impressionable, it is even more important to not allow anger or wrath to get the better of us. Let us be swift to hear them, slow to speak, and slow to wrath. We need to be kind and forgive them as God has forgiven us in Christ.  Every time I don’t follow these directives, I regret it. However, I also know that a humble apology goes a long way. Hopefully we are not needing to apologize to our children all the time, but in those times when I have felt it necessary, I have seen positive results. In closing, consider the following passage of Scripture: “And a servant of the Lord must not quarrel but be gentle to all, able to teach, patient, in humility correcting those who are in opposition, if God perhaps will grant them repentance, so that they may know the truth, and that they may come to their senses and escape the snare of the devil, having been taken captive by him to do his will.” (2 Tim 2:24-26) If we are to be gentle with others in hopes of leading them to Christ, how much more our own children? In the next post, we will see the Lord’s further directives to dads.