Ephesians 5 - Marriage and Family

Previously in Ephesians, Paul instructed them to be imitators of God and walk in love, even as Christ loved us and gave Himself or us. There is not to be even a hint of sexual immorality in the Church, whether it be fornication, uncleanness, or covetousness. He also adds filthiness, foolish talking, and course jesting as behaviors that are not fitting for saints. Those who practice these things will not inherit eternal life, so as a result, we as believers should not be partakers with them in such things. We are to walk in the light and expose the works of darkness with the light of the Scriptures. We are to be filled with the Spirit, living a life of worship and praise toward the Lord and submission to one another.

Next, Paul is going to shift his focus directly to the family. Over the last 70+ years, the biblical family structure has been chipped away at by progressives. Many people have given up on marriage and chosen to cohabitate, and those who do marry, roughly one in three ends up in divorce.  This differs little for those who call themselves Christians, although the rate is significantly lower among those who are committed Christians. In the last couple of decades, it has turned into an out-right assault, as people and even our court system have attempted to redefine marriage altogether. These things are nothing new, for a lot of these pagan practices we are seeing return in our day were alive in well in ancient Rome. As we will see, marriage is a picture of the relationship that Jesus has with the Church, so it comes as no surprise that the devil seeks to attack this area the hardest. Before jumping into what Paul has to say, I want to begin by defining biblical marriage. Even for those of us who have been taught these things, sometimes it is good for us to revisit the basics.

              Back in the Garden of Eden, God said that it was not good for man to be alone. He brought all the animals to Adam to see what he would name them, but among them there was not found a suitable helper for him. So, the Lord then caused a deep sleep to fall on Adam while He performed the first surgery. He took out one of Adam's ribs and made a woman for him. After the Lord brought the woman to Adam, He said, "Therefore shall a man leave his father and his mother, and shall cleave unto his wife: and they shall be one flesh." (Genesis 2:24) Jesus would later say, "Wherefore they are no more twain, but one flesh. What therefore God hath joined together, let not man put asunder." (Matthew 19:6) From this we can first see that God created woman for man to be his helper: his closest companion to help him navigate through life successfully and raise a family that knows and serves the Lord. Second, it was the Lord who created marriage and presided over the first wedding ceremony. If the Lord has created marriage, then man has no right to try to redefine it. It was and still is for one man and one woman. Third, it is for life. When a couple gets married, they are making a life-long commitment to each other before God and witnesses. In other words, when times get tough (and they will), they do not get to bail out of their commitment. The "D' word should never be on the table. As long as a couple allows divorce to be an option, they are much more likely to take that option when things are bad enough.  If the devil knows divorce is an option for a couple, you can bet he will work hard to push them to that point.

There are limited exceptions to this. Jesus, again, said in Matthew, “And I say to you, whoever divorces his wife, except for sexual immorality, and marries another, commits adultery; and whoever marries her who is divorced commits adultery.” (Mat 19:9) The word for sexual immorality here is fornication, those unlawful sexual acts that are done out of the confines of marriage that we covered last time. So, if a couple divorces and re-marries for reasons other than fornication, Jesus says they are committing adultery. The only other exception I see in the New Testament is when a nonbeliever wants to leave the marriage (1 Co 7:10-15).

Now, of course, a separation may be necessary at times, such as when the wife and children are in danger from an abusive husband, however, I do not believe this is grounds for divorce. If Jesus and Paul wanted to communicate other exceptions, I believe they would have done so. Just like the apostles, this can be a difficult thing for us to accept, especially if we are being affected by it in some way, but we have to trust that God knows what is best.

Divorce was a problem in ancient Israel as well. Malachi writes, “Because the Lord has been witness between you and the wife of your youth, with whom you have dealt treacherously; yet she is your companion and your wife by covenant. But did He not make them one, having a remnant of the Spirit? And why one? He seeks godly offspring. Therefore take heed to your spirit, and let none deal treacherously with the wife of his youth. ‘For the Lord God of Israel says that He hates divorce, for it covers one’s garment with violence,’ says the Lord of hosts. ‘Therefore take heed to your spirit, that you do not deal treacherously.’” (Malachi 2:14-16) So, as we can see, God views divorce as treachery and violence because it is breaking the most solemn covenant. The Lord even goes as far as to say that He hates it. Divorce rips apart two that have become one. It decapitates the marriage and destroys the family.

One of the reasons for keeping our marriage vows is to have godly offspring. I remember reading a study several years ago about how many of the children that got involved in the homosexual and transgender lifestyle had come from families in which the parents had been divorced. While this is certainly not the only variable, I thought the statistic was interesting. Marriage provides a safe and stable place to raise children that will fear and love God. Divorce, by no means, is the unpardonable sin, but it is a sin nonetheless except for the reasons I previously mentioned. If we have fallen short in this area (or in any other area), we simply need to agree with God and confess our sin to Him (the Christian’s bar of soap). The Scriptures say He is faithful and just to forgive us and cleanse us from all unrighteousness. Then, begin walking as He has called us to walk.

Just like marriage started in the garden of Eden, so did marital problems. After Adam and Eve ate of the forbidden fruit, God told Eve, “Your desire shall be for your husband, and he shall rule over you.” (Gen 3:16) The idea behind the original language here is that the woman, in her sin nature, will try to usurp her husband’s God-given authority for her own personal interests.  Likewise, the husband in his sin will neglect his God-given responsibility to love his wife, and instead seek to subdue her and rule over her for his own personal interests. Before the Fall, there would have been perfect submission to and perfect love for one another, but now, because of sin, there is a battle.

Coming back to Ephesians, Paul will give two basic rules for marriage, that if both follow, most of their problems would be worked out. Whenever we encounter problems in our marriages, either one or (usually) both of us are not following Paul’s directives here. He will address both wives and husbands where they are often weak.

To the wives first he says, “Wives, submit to your own husbands, as to the Lord. For the husband is head of the wife, as also Christ is head of the church; and He is the Savior of the body. Therefore, just as the church is subject to Christ, so let the wives be to their own husbands in everything.” The word “submit” here is actually a military term that means to rank under or to put in subjection, and in other Scriptural passages is rendered to be under obedience.  The wife is to willingly place herself under her husband's authority, and in doing so she is ultimately doing it unto the Lord.  Her husband is her general and king of her castle if you will, and he is second only to Jesus Christ.  He is her head just as Christ is the head of the Church, and as a result she should treat him with the reverence that accompanies this position. As Christ is her Savior, her husband is her protector and the one who lays down his life for her. To disrespect and disobey his authority is really to disrespect and disobey the Lord.  This does not mean that a woman is her husband's property, cannot voice her opinion, or be involved in the decision-making.  In fact, when we get to the husband's primary responsibility to love his wife, we will see that it is quite the opposite.  This idea of submission is not a matter of equality, but a matter of God-given roles. Paul wrote to the Galatians, “There is neither Jew nor Greek, there is neither slave nor free, there is neither male nor female; for you are all one in Christ Jesus.” (Gal 3:28) However, if after prayer and discussion they cannot agree, she must submit to her husband's leadership.  The only time when she should not submit to her husband is if he is asking her to do something biblically wrong; in that case she should, without question, obey the Lord.

Some might say, "You don't know my husband," and you may be right.  However, your job as a wife is not to change your husband, but (with the Lord's help) to be responsible for your part.  This isn't because he deserves it (Lord knows we don't deserve it), but because the Lord says so.  In the meantime, pray for him and allow the Lord to deal with him.  The Lord can deal with a bad husband much better than you can, and for a Scriptural example I would encourage you to read 1 Samuel 25.  Your prayer, continual reverent submission, and godly character will have the best chance of bringing him around.  Peter writes, “Likewise, ye wives, be in subjection to your own husbands; that, if any obey not the word, they also may without the word be won by the conversation of the wives; While they behold your chaste conversation coupled with fear.  Whose adorning let it not be that outward adorning of plaiting the hair, and of wearing of gold, or of putting on of apparel; But let it be the hidden man of the heart, in that which is not corruptible, even the ornament of a meek and quiet spirit, which is in the sight of God of great price.” (1 Peter 3:1-4) In the interim, believing wives should surround themselves with godly women that will pray for and encourage them in these areas.

To the husbands Paul writes, "Husbands, love your wives, even as Christ also loved the church, and gave himself for it; That he might sanctify and cleanse it with the washing of water by the word, That he might present it to himself a glorious church, not having spot, or wrinkle, or any such thing; but that it should be holy and without blemish. So ought men to love their wives as their own bodies. He that loveth his wife loveth himself.  For no man ever yet hated his own flesh; but nourisheth and cherisheth it, even as the Lord the church: For we are members of his body, of his flesh, and of his bones. For this cause shall a man leave his father and mother, and shall be joined unto his wife, and they two shall be one flesh.  This is a great mystery: but I speak concerning Christ and the church.  Nevertheless let every one of you in particular so love his wife even as himself; and the wife see that she reverence her husband." (Ephesians 5:25-33) The Lord's primary direction to husbands in this passage is to love their wives as Christ loved the Church. Just as women have difficulty submitting to their husbands, so husbands have difficulty loving their wives as they ought. We as men are pretty self-centered, and quite often being a jerk comes pretty naturally to us. So, the Lord here is reminding us in the area that we are weak. The command to love here is not referring to tender affections or the intimacy shared between a husband and wife, but it is the word “agapao,” the divine love that the Lord has for you and me. This is first an unconditional love. It is given regardless of the actions of the other; the other person is unworthy of that love. Second, it is a sacrificial love that is chiefly demonstrated in the Father's giving up of His only begotten Son to redeem you and me. We have done everything not to deserve this love, yet God has loved us anyway by allowing Jesus to die on the cross in our place. This is the type of love with which we are to love our wives. It is a love put into action. We are to sacrifice the fulfillment of our own wants and needs by dying to ourselves, and seek to meet the needs and desires of our wives. Third, it is a servant love.  If we remember from the Gospel of John, at the last supper, Jesus girded himself with a towel and began washing the disciples’ feet. So, Jesus, being the Lord and creator of the entire universe, took on a job done by the lowliest of servants. He had every right to ask the disciples to wash his feet, but he humbled himself to serve them and model the type of behavior we are to exhibit toward one another. So too, as the head of our homes, we as men have the authority to ask our wives to serve us, but rather than using our authority to serve ourselves we should humble ourselves to serve our wives. You are the general of your family and king of your castle, but she is not merely a common soldier or servant. She is your queen, and as a result she needs to be treated as such. God has given her to you to be your helpmate, so you should desire her input and be willing to yield to her wants and needs when possible.

Jesus also loves the Church by sanctifying and cleansing it with the water of the Word. In like manner, Jesus Christ and His Word are to be at the center of our marriages and families. It is our job to lead our wives and children in serving the Lord and studying the Word of God. It is up to us to ensure that our families are regularly attending Church and fellowshipping with other believers. So often we as men are willing to let our wives do that job, but that is not the Lord's will for us. If our families are going astray from the Lord, the blame has to come back to us as husbands. As the head goes, so does the rest of the body.             

Some might say, "You don't know my wife." Again, you may be correct. I don't know your wife, but the Word of God still remains true. Our job is not to change our wives so that they submit to us, but to do our part in loving them unconditionally. We are not called to love them because they deserve it (they do not), but we are called to love them because the Lord says so. The apostle Paul wrote to the Colossians, "Husbands, love your wives, and be not bitter against them." (Colossians 3:19) We are not to allow bitterness to set in when our wives are disrespectful and do not submit to us, but we are to love and respect them anyway. The best chance they have of coming around is through our love, respect, and our prayers. Just like the Lord can deal with a bad husband, He can also deal with a bad wife, and the Scriptures have examples of this as well.

The Lord holds us as husbands accountable when we do not treat our wives the way we should. Peter writes, "Likewise, ye husbands, dwell with them according to knowledge, giving honour unto the wife, as unto the weaker vessel, and as being heirs together of the grace of life; that your prayers be not hindered." (1 Peter 3:7) We are to dwell with our wives according to knowledge (with understanding), and honor them as the weaker vessel. I have heard it said that men are like A&W root beer mugs: you can bump and clang them around, but they remain intact. They might get a chip or a scratch here and there, but they'll be ok. Women, on the other hand, are like crystal. If you bang crystal around it shatters, and it cannot be put back together again. If we mistreat our wives through disrespect, harshness, or abuse, they may eventually reach a breaking point. Once there, only the Lord can heal them and put them back together. Praise God for his healing and restoring power. We need to remember that our wives are co-heirs with us of the grace of life. When we mistreat them, we are mistreating the Lord's daughter, and that's the kind of dad you don't want to mess with. When we fail in this area, the Scriptures actually state it can hinder our prayers. If we ever feel like our prayers are just hitting the ceiling, one of the questions we need to ask ourselves is how are we treating our wives? Again, as the spiritual heads of our homes the Lord holds us to a higher standard, and we as husbands and fathers have a lot of influence on what direction our families will go.

Paul states husbands are to love their wives as their own bodies. People are naturally self-preserving, so Paul uses this to remind us that since husbands and wives are one flesh, when a husband loves his wife, he is loving himself. The opposite is also true: when he mistreats his wife, he is harming himself as well. Rather, he should nourish and cherish her as the Lord does the Church. We are members of His body, of His flesh, and of His bones.

Next, Paul quotes from Genesis 2 when the Lord says, “For this reason a man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh.” First, the man shall leave his father and mother. Many couples get married, but still are clinging to mom and dad instead of to each other. Or, maybe the married couple have left Mom and Dad and are trying to cleave to one another, but Mom and Dad don’t want to let them go. I have seen this cause family tension, including marital problems, especially if the husband and wife are not on the same page. It can also cause problems with the grandchildren if Grandma and Grandpa try to interfere with how their own children are trying to raise their kids. There is nothing wrong with parents trying to speak into their grown children’s lives; in fact, a certain amount of this is helpful for raising a new family.  However, there does need to be a healthy boundary there where the parents respect the decisions of their grown children and let them live their lives and raise their children as best they see fit. The grown children also need to remember they have left their parents, are cleaving to one another as husband and wife, and that they are their own nuclear family now. However, at the same time, they should remember that their parents have already been through what they are now embarking on, and that they can be a great source of wisdom and guidance.

This is a great mystery that the Church has the type of union with Jesus Christ that a man has with his wife. Marriage is a picture or type of something far deeper. Marriage is great and wonderful, but the unity that Christ has with the Church is far greater and more wonderful. The union of husband and wife is temporal, but the union of Christ and the Church is eternal. He ends by returning to his prior point, that a man should love his wife as himself, and that the wife should respect her husband. In the following chapter, Paul will continue his discussion on family life, and will speak to the parent-child relationship.        

Ephesians 5 - Walk in Love

Last time in Ephesians 4, we ended with Paul’s admonition not to grieve the Holy Spirit by whom we are sealed unto the day of redemption. We are to put away from us all bitterness, wrath, anger, quarreling, evil speaking, and malice. Instead, we are to be kind and tender-hearted to one another, forgiving one another, even as God has forgiven us in Christ Jesus.

Picking up in chapter five, Paul tells them to be imitators of God just like a child imitates their parents. The first way we do this is to walk in love. If we are to be imitators of God by walking in love, this means that God is love, just as Christ loved us and gave Himself for us as an offering and sacrifice. An offering speaks of giving to God out of gratitude for temporal blessings, while the sacrifice speaks of the blood of an animal used as an atonement for sin. Jesus, for the joy set before Him of redeeming you and me, gave Himself to the will of His Father by enduring the cross, and offered Himself as an atonement for our sins. This was a sweet-smelling aroma to the Father. So too, we can present ourselves as a living sacrifice out of gratitude for what He has done for us, and demonstrate this sacrificial love towards others. This is all summed up in loving God with all our being and loving our neighbor as ourselves. If we are really walking in love, we won’t sin, and so Paul continues with things believers are not supposed to do.

He says that fornication, uncleanness, and covetousness are not to be even named among them. In our day, fornication usually means just sex outside of marriage (e.g. boyfriend and girlfriend), but it is actually much broader than that. It is any illicit (unlawful) sexual intercourse, and includes adultery, homosexuality, incest, bestiality, etc. It includes actual intercourse, as well as other sex acts that people like to say are not sex. It also includes idol worship which often involved sexual immorality. The word for fornication is where we get our word pornography. Those creating the porn are obviously engaging in fornication, while those viewing it are engaging in covetousness which Paul will address next.

The only type of licit sex is between a man and woman as husband and wife. The author of Hebrews writes, “Marriage is honorable among all, and the bed undefiled; but fornicators and adulterers God will judge.” (Heb 13:4) The marriage bed is undefiled, so once a couple says “I do,” they have the green light to enjoy sex.

Uncleanness is along the same lines as fornication, but also refers to impure motivations. Covetousness is lust or greediness for more, and really is a sin of the heart. It can be sexual, but is really just wanting something that is not ours to have. Again, the viewing of pornography would fall into this category. Some attempt to justify lust since it is not the outward acts, but Jesus told His disciples, “You have heard that it was said to those of old, ‘You shall not commit adultery.’ But I say to you that whoever looks at a woman to lust for her has already committed adultery with her in his heart.” (Mat 5:27-28)

The problem with lust is that it is never satisfied, and yielding to it only leads to more. In the context of sexual lust, it leads to more perverse behavior. Again, God’s standard is that these things are not to be named among believers. If a believer is overtaken by sexual sin, they need to repent, and others in the Church should seek to restore them in the spirit of meekness (Galatians 6:1).

In addition, he states that filthiness, foolish talking, and course joking are not to be named among believers. Filthiness speaks to obscene speech or behavior. Foolish talking means an easy turn of speech, and has the idea of turning every conversation into a joking comment about sex. Course jesting is inappropriate humor that is crude or sexual in nature. Most of us have been involved in this kind of talk at some point in our lives, but that does not mean it is alright to continue on doing so.

All of these things are not fitting for saints. These things are not pleasing to the Lord, and because we are saved, we should no longer want to act this way. Rather, we should give thanks. We should be thankful to the Lord in a general sense, but also thankful for sex as God intended it. Ingratitude and discontentment are often the springboard to these sins.

Next, Paul appeals to something they already knew when he says, “For this you know, that no fornicator, unclean person, nor covetous man, who is an idolater, has any inheritance in the kingdom of Christ and God.” In other words, people who practice these sins he previously mentioned with no signs of remorse are not going to Heaven because they are not true believers. They are technically idol worshipers, because they have made idols out of their own lusts. He goes on to say, “Let no one deceive you with empty words, for because of these things the wrath of God comes upon the sons of disobedience.” So, not only is he saying these people do not have any inheritance in the kingdom of Christ and of God, but that we are not to be deceived into believing anything to the contrary. At a certain point, you either have to ask the question whether or not they have renounced their faith, or were never saved to begin with, depending what theological camp you fall in as it relates to eternal security. To say a practicing homosexual or adulterer, for example, is saved and going to Heaven because they said the sinner’s prayer when they were 10 is, according to Paul, empty words. Because the wrath of God is coming upon these individuals, we should not be partakers with them.

Believers didn’t just used to walk in darkness, but they were darkness. However, they are now light in the Lord. Because the Lord is in them, they now walk as children of light. They demonstrate the fruit of the Spirit, goodness, righteousness, and truth. As believers, we want to do that which is pleasing to the Lord.

Believers are to have no fellowship with the unfruitful works of darkness, but reprove them instead. We don’t do this just to talk about them, because what they do in secret is shameful. However, we do it in order to properly identify right from wrong and to teach others. The way we reprove the works of darkness is with the light of the Scriptures. We don’t do this self-righteously, for we used to be darkness too. We do it with humility and love that they will hopefully be brought into the light of the Lord as well. Paul then quotes, “Awake, you who sleep, arise from the dead, and Christ will give you light.” God is calling out to the asleep and spiritually dead to be made alive and enlightened with the light of Christ.

Paul then tells them that they should walk circumspectly (carefully), not as fools, but as wise. If we are wise, we will understand and believe that what God says to do or not do is for our good, and put it into practice in our own lives. The days are evil, and so we should do as much as we can for Jesus in the time we have left. We need to apply our hearts unto wisdom by understanding the will of the Lord.

An easy way to be unwise and to walk foolishly is to get caught up in vices, particularly those vices that alter our frame of mind such as drugs and alcohol. Paul instructs them not to get drunk with wine. If we are looking for a hard and fast rule regarding alcohol, this is it here. We are not to get drunk by drinking in excess. If we are drinking to the point where our physical or mental faculties are impaired, we have had too much. As we discussed in Romans 14, there are other principles to consider, but those are more situational depending on our circumstances. However, drunkenness is plainly a sin, and is spoken against in both Old and New Testaments.

Rather than being drunk, we are to be filled (to the brim) with the Spirit. The grammar here says, “be constantly being filled with the Holy Spirit.” In the original language, the verb “be filled” is in the passive voice, meaning this isn’t something we can do ourselves, but is something the Lord does to us. It is also in the imperative, meaning it is not optional. Jesus describes two relationships that the Holy Spirit has with believers. The first is when the Holy Spirit takes up residence inside of us at salvation. He told the woman at the well, “but whoever drinks of the water that I shall give him will never thirst. But the water that I shall give him will become in him a fountain of water springing up into everlasting life.” (Jn 4:14) The idea is a well of water bubbling or springing up from the ground in which someone can drink from to quench their thirst. The second relationship is when the Spirit comes upon a believer, filling them to overflowing.  In John 7, Jesus says, “If anyone thirsts, let him come to Me and drink.  He who believes in Me, as the Scripture has said, out of his heart will flow rivers (torrents) of living water.” (Jn 7:37-38) As we can see, the former is smaller in magnitude and more personal in nature, while the latter refers to a mighty rush of living water flowing out from within a person.  It is obviously larger in magnitude, and its effects are more external.  It is that dynamic work of the Holy Spirit in a persons’ life that fills them to overflowing, and enables them to affect and reach others for the Kingdom of Heaven.

This is interesting, because Jesus said this latter passage at the feast of tabernacles when they celebrated God’s miraculous giving of water out of the rock at Horeb through Moses. There are those who have gone to Saudi Arabia and found what they believe to be this rock by matching it up with the biblical descriptions. It is a huge rock that shows evidence of geysers of water shooting upward and then running down into a basin for the children of Israel to drink. It was torrents of water.

The initial coming upon by the Spirit is what the Scriptures refer to as the baptism of the Holy Spirit or the filling of the Spirit, but as we can see from Ephesians and the book of Acts, this is an ongoing occurrence. We can quench the Holy Spirit’s work in our lives through sin or by simply ignoring Him. Deliberately choosing to use mind-altering substances such as an excess of wine would be a good example of this.

The Spirit-filled life is marked by a life of worship, and encouraging others to do the same. We are to speak to one another in Psalms, hymns, and spiritual songs, singing and making melody in our hearts to the Lord. It is also characterized by a life of gratitude, as Paul tells them to give thanks always for all things. This is quite a statement: As the saying goes, “All means all, and that’s all that all means.” This is not that we are thankful for evil happening, but what God will accomplish through it. We are also to submit to one another in the fear of God. The word submit is a military term, and means to fall in rank or to place in subjection. This is also quite a statement, especially in our culture today. We think we have rights, and how dare anyone infringe on those rights. But here, Paul is telling us to submit or yield to others. This is important, because next he will talk about authority. Even when we are in a place of authority, we are not to use that authority to serve ourselves, but yield when we can out of love for others. As we read in Romans, “Be kindly affectionate to one another with brotherly love, in honor giving preference to one another.” (Rom 12:10) Lord willing, next time, we will finish the chapter, and get into the topic of marriage.