In my last post, I wrote about what is really the Lord’s directives to children, but as parents we can glean from the passage as well. We saw that children are the sole responsibility of their parents, and it is the parents’ job to teach them obedience. As parents, we should be open to instruction on how to be a better parent, but we should not allow others to undermine this authority.
The second directive in this passage is to dads. Fathers are not to provoke their children to anger. I believe this applies to both parents, but the Lord, in His wisdom, knows that dads have a greater tendency to struggle with this. There are a lot of things that can provoke our children to anger, but in my experience, nothing provokes anger more than someone else’s anger. Especially as dads, we are the head authority figure, and what we say goes. When a dad becomes angry, it can be quite intimidating from the perspective of a small child. When they are younger, children will normally comply out of fear, but as they grow, that can turn into resentment, bitterness, and rebellion. It really places a child or teenager in a difficult spot: If they want to please the Lord, they will try to obey and honor their parents, but they are not left a lot of recourse when the parent is easily angered and becomes unreasonable. This anger does not have to be abuse, as most of us are not beating on our wives or kids. It can be merely impatience, unwillingness to listen, and quick to mete out punishments that are harsh or more than is necessary. If we are parents, most of us have been on both the giving and receiving end of this type of anger. However, I believe the major problem lies when we are in the habit of acting this way toward our children. Paul even adds another detail in his letter to the Colossians that the child can become discouraged. If a child is having issues with anger, depression, or rebellion, there is a good chance there is a parent or other authority figure at home with an anger problem.
So, let’s take a look at some passages in the Bible that talk about anger. Paul wrote to the Ephesians, “Let all bitterness, wrath, anger, clamor (loud quarreling), and evil speaking be put away from you, with all malice. And be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, even as God in Christ forgave you.” (Eph 4:31-32) Wrath here refers to a sudden outburst of passion, while anger refers to that ongoing anger that smolders beneath the surface and leads to bitterness and hatred. Anyone who has had children can attest that they are certainly capable of provoking both types of anger in us. We are told to put both wrath and anger away from us and forgive as God has forgiven us in Christ. James says, “So then, my beloved brethren, let every man be swift to hear, slow to speak, slow to wrath; for the wrath of man does not produce the righteousness of God.” (James 1:19-20) Back in Ephesians 4, Paul wrote to be angry and sin not. This refers to an outside force provoking us that we are told not to allow it to draw us into sin.
Our tendency as dads sometimes is to think that we need to use our anger to motivate our kids to do what we want, to toughen them up, or to make them successful in life. This may appear to work in the short-term; however, it does not in the long-run. David wrote of the Lord, “You have also given me the shield of Your salvation; Your right hand has held me up, Your gentleness has made me great.” (Psa 18:35) It was not the Lord’s anger, harshness, or meanness that made David great, but it was His gentleness. For those of us who have read about David, he was no wimp. He was a man’s man who was a successful warrior, but he was also a man after God’s own heart. The Lord had David’s heart, and I believe this was largely due to His gentleness (more on that in the next post). Do not misunderstand, I am not saying that we cannot be firm or even raise our voices with our children, for firmness is exactly what they need at times. This firmness is something are wives have a more difficult time matching, especially with teenage boys. However, this firmness should be rooted in love rather than pride and anger. Sometime ago I remember asking one of my kids to do something for me, and not wanting to do it, he protested, “how does that play out, Dad?” My first thought was, “who does this little twirp think he is?” I felt that irritation begin to set in, but I was able to take a step back from it and give him the correction I believe was needed in the moment. After the moment passed, I even found myself chuckling about it. Teenagers are learning to think for themselves and to be independent, and sometimes they get it wrong. It’s our job as parents to remind them from time to time that they still need to submit to and respect authority as we all do in one form or another.
In summary, anger is an emotion that has been given to us by God, but because of sin, can quickly degenerate into destructive behavior in us and in others. We are told when we feel that begin to rise up within us, to put it away. For our children who are young and impressionable, it is even more important to not allow anger or wrath to get the better of us. Let us be swift to hear them, slow to speak, and slow to wrath. We need to be kind and forgive them as God has forgiven us in Christ. Every time I don’t follow these directives, I regret it. However, I also know that a humble apology goes a long way. Hopefully we are not needing to apologize to our children all the time, but in those times when I have felt it necessary, I have seen positive results. In closing, consider the following passage of Scripture: “And a servant of the Lord must not quarrel but be gentle to all, able to teach, patient, in humility correcting those who are in opposition, if God perhaps will grant them repentance, so that they may know the truth, and that they may come to their senses and escape the snare of the devil, having been taken captive by him to do his will.” (2 Tim 2:24-26) If we are to be gentle with others in hopes of leading them to Christ, how much more our own children? In the next post, we will see the Lord’s further directives to dads.
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