What the Bible Says to Dads Part. II.

 

In my previous post, we see how Paul gave fathers a negative command to not provoke their children to anger, but his positive command is to bring them up in the training and admonition of the Lord. I believe he addresses the anger problem first, because if a parent (especially a dad) is angry, the children will not want to listen to him, even if he is teaching them what is right. Even if the child ultimately wants to listen, his or her own struggles with bitterness and resentment may make it difficult to do so. The Scriptures stress the importance of parents having their children’s hearts, and I believe being slow to anger is a major ingredient in this. Having our children’s hearts is their protection against sin, sexual sin in particular. Solomon writes, “My son, give me your heart, and let your eyes observe my ways. For a harlot is a deep pit, and a seductress is a narrow well. She also lies in wait as for a victim, and increases the unfaithful among men.” (Pro 23:26-27) I remember hearing from a dad with several children one time that children will not be prone to rebellion because of too many rules, unless we as parents have a rotten attitude along with them. I do believe it is possible to have too many rules, but our attitude as parents greatly affects how our children respond to whatever rules we do have.

Going back to Ephesians, Paul again here is addressing dads, not because it does not apply to moms, but because the Lord knows the dad’s tendency is to allow the training to happen by the mother or the Sunday school class. As dads, we are to be the leaders in raising our children to fear and love God.

Both the words training and admonition speak to the rearing of a child, but the former refers to a training by act (discipline), while the latter refers to a training by word. Both are necessary for the rearing of the child. Proverbs says, “The rod and rebuke give wisdom, but a child left to himself brings shame to his mother.” (Pro 29:15) Without the verbal instruction, the child lacks the understanding of what is right and wrong, and although he or she is disciplined, will not understand why or how to change their behavior. Without the discipline, the child will understand what is expected of him or her, but will often lack the incentive to change. Most of us probably remember what happened in school when there was a substitute teacher. We knew what was expected of us by our regular teacher, but we knew the sub would probably not know those expectations and be a lot more lenient. In this post I will primarily focus on the verbal instruction.

So, what do the Scriptures state about verbally instructing our children? In Deuteronomy it states, “And these words which I command you today shall be in your heart. You shall teach them diligently to your children, and shall talk of them when you sit in your house, when you walk by the way, when you lie down, and when you rise up. You shall bind them as a sign on your hand, and they shall be as frontlets between your eyes. You shall write them on the doorposts of your house and on your gates.” (Deut 6:6-9) And as we previously saw, “My son, keep your father’s command, and do not forsake the law of your mother. Bind them continually upon your heart; tie them around your neck. When you roam, they will lead you; when you sleep, they will keep you; and when you awake, they will speak with you. For the commandment is a lamp, and the law a light; reproofs of instruction are the way of life.” (Prov 6:20-23) So, as we can see, God’s word is to be in our hearts, we are to talk about it regularly, and we are to teach it to our children. It is our lamp, our light, and our way of life.

Incidentally, the Deuteronomy passage is one of the strongest biblical justifications for home schooling in my opinion: It is difficult to send your kids to public school for eight hours, to sports for another two to four, and still obey this Scripture. Teachers and coaches are spending more time with our kids than we are in many cases. There are some good teachers and coaches out there, but they just cannot replace the role that a parent plays in their child’s life. This is why I believe family devotions are so important. Going to Church once or twice a week is just not enough to counter-act the onslaught of evil our kids (and for us for that matter) are facing on a daily basis. We need that time spent together as a family in the word of God. I remember when my wife and I were first married, I thought we would maybe do family devotions once or twice a week, but she reminded me of the Scriptures that talk about the priests offering sacrifices morning and evening. So, we began doing them daily, and then we moved to doing them both morning and evenings. Although there are days when we haven’t for whatever reason, it has become a consistent part of our family life, and we have been abundantly blessed for it. We don’t do it as a rule to keep, but as a model to follow for getting our spiritual nourishment. I have often wondered why the Lord repeated Himself so much in the first five books of the Old Testament, but repetition is how we learn. It is how we get it in our hearts, and it is how we can talk about it throughout the day. Seeing their parents do this is how our children learn the word and how to pray. Remember, it is our lamp, our light, and our way of life. In the following post, we will take a look at the training aspect of raising children.

What the Bible Says About Dads Part I.

 

In my last post, I wrote about what is really the Lord’s directives to children, but as parents we can glean from the passage as well. We saw that children are the sole responsibility of their parents, and it is the parents’ job to teach them obedience. As parents, we should be open to instruction on how to be a better parent, but we should not allow others to undermine this authority.

The second directive in this passage is to dads. Fathers are not to provoke their children to anger. I believe this applies to both parents, but the Lord, in His wisdom, knows that dads have a greater tendency to struggle with this. There are a lot of things that can provoke our children to anger, but in my experience, nothing provokes anger more than someone else’s anger. Especially as dads, we are the head authority figure, and what we say goes. When a dad becomes angry, it can be quite intimidating from the perspective of a small child. When they are younger, children will normally comply out of fear, but as they grow, that can turn into resentment, bitterness, and rebellion. It really places a child or teenager in a difficult spot: If they want to please the Lord, they will try to obey and honor their parents, but they are not left a lot of recourse when the parent is easily angered and becomes unreasonable. This anger does not have to be abuse, as most of us are not beating on our wives or kids. It can be merely impatience, unwillingness to listen, and quick to mete out punishments that are harsh or more than is necessary. If we are parents, most of us have been on both the giving and receiving end of this type of anger. However, I believe the major problem lies when we are in the habit of acting this way toward our children. Paul even adds another detail in his letter to the Colossians that the child can become discouraged. If a child is having issues with anger, depression, or rebellion, there is a good chance there is a parent or other authority figure at home with an anger problem.

So, let’s take a look at some passages in the Bible that talk about anger. Paul wrote to the Ephesians, “Let all bitterness, wrath, anger, clamor (loud quarreling), and evil speaking be put away from you, with all malice. And be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, even as God in Christ forgave you.” (Eph 4:31-32) Wrath here refers to a sudden outburst of passion, while anger refers to that ongoing anger that smolders beneath the surface and leads to bitterness and hatred. Anyone who has had children can attest that they are certainly capable of provoking both types of anger in us. We are told to put both wrath and anger away from us and forgive as God has forgiven us in Christ. James says, “So then, my beloved brethren, let every man be swift to hear, slow to speak, slow to wrath; for the wrath of man does not produce the righteousness of God.” (James 1:19-20) Back in Ephesians 4, Paul wrote to be angry and sin not. This refers to an outside force provoking us that we are told not to allow it to draw us into sin.

Our tendency as dads sometimes is to think that we need to use our anger to motivate our kids to do what we want, to toughen them up, or to make them successful in life. This may appear to work in the short-term; however, it does not in the long-run. David wrote of the Lord, “You have also given me the shield of Your salvation; Your right hand has held me up, Your gentleness has made me great.” (Psa 18:35) It was not the Lord’s anger, harshness, or meanness that made David great, but it was His gentleness. For those of us who have read about David, he was no wimp. He was a man’s man who was a successful warrior, but he was also a man after God’s own heart. The Lord had David’s heart, and I believe this was largely due to His gentleness (more on that in the next post). Do not misunderstand, I am not saying that we cannot be firm or even raise our voices with our children, for firmness is exactly what they need at times. This firmness is something are wives have a more difficult time matching, especially with teenage boys. However, this firmness should be rooted in love rather than pride and anger. Sometime ago I remember asking one of my kids to do something for me, and not wanting to do it, he protested, “how does that play out, Dad?” My first thought was, “who does this little twirp think he is?” I felt that irritation begin to set in, but I was able to take a step back from it and give him the correction I believe was needed in the moment. After the moment passed, I even found myself chuckling about it. Teenagers are learning to think for themselves and to be independent, and sometimes they get it wrong. It’s our job as parents to remind them from time to time that they still need to submit to and respect authority as we all do in one form or another.

In summary, anger is an emotion that has been given to us by God, but because of sin, can quickly degenerate into destructive behavior in us and in others. We are told when we feel that begin to rise up within us, to put it away. For our children who are young and impressionable, it is even more important to not allow anger or wrath to get the better of us. Let us be swift to hear them, slow to speak, and slow to wrath. We need to be kind and forgive them as God has forgiven us in Christ.  Every time I don’t follow these directives, I regret it. However, I also know that a humble apology goes a long way. Hopefully we are not needing to apologize to our children all the time, but in those times when I have felt it necessary, I have seen positive results. In closing, consider the following passage of Scripture: “And a servant of the Lord must not quarrel but be gentle to all, able to teach, patient, in humility correcting those who are in opposition, if God perhaps will grant them repentance, so that they may know the truth, and that they may come to their senses and escape the snare of the devil, having been taken captive by him to do his will.” (2 Tim 2:24-26) If we are to be gentle with others in hopes of leading them to Christ, how much more our own children? In the next post, we will see the Lord’s further directives to dads.