In my last post on this topic, I wrote about what the Bible has to say to wives. They are to respect and submit to their own husbands as unto the Lord. This does not mean she will always agree with her husband or cannot give her input, but at the end of the day she must submit to his leadership. If her husband is a nonbeliever, she is to win him over for the Lord through prayer, submission, and her reverent behavior. This understandably can be a difficult task, but the Lord is there to help her in her time of need. So in this post I want to write about what the Bible has to say to husbands.
Now to the husbands Paul writes, "Husbands, love your wives, even as Christ also loved the church, and gave himself for it; That he might sanctify and cleanse it with the washing of water by the word, That he might present it to himself a glorious church, not having spot, or wrinkle, or any such thing; but that it should be holy and without blemish. So ought men to love their wives as their own bodies. He that loveth his wife loveth himself. For no man ever yet hated his own flesh; but nourisheth and cherisheth it, even as the Lord the church: For we are members of his body, of his flesh, and of his bones. For this cause shall a man leave his father and mother, and shall be joined unto his wife, and they two shall be one flesh. This is a great mystery: but I speak concerning Christ and the church. Nevertheless let every one of you in particular so love his wife even as himself; and the wife see that she reverence her husband." (Ephesians 5:25-33)
The Lord's primary direction to husbands in this passage is to love their wives as Christ loved the Church. Just as women have difficulty submitting to their husbands, so husbands have difficulty loving their wives as they ought. We as men are pretty self-centered, and quite often being a jerk comes pretty naturally to us. So the Lord here is reminding us in the area that we are weak. The command to love here is not referring to tender affections or the intimacy shared between a husband and wife, but it is the word agapao. In the Vine's Dictionary it states, "In respect of agapao as used of God, it expresses the deep and constant "love" and interest of a perfect Being towards entirely unworthy objects, producing and fostering a reverential "love" in them towards the Giver, and a practical "love" towards those who are partakers of the same, and a desire to help others to seek the Giver." This is first an unconditional love. It is given regardless of the actions of the other; the other person is unworthy of that love. Second, it is a sacrificial love that is chiefly demonstrated in the Father's giving up of His only begotten Son to redeem you and me. We have done everything not to deserve this love, yet God has loved us anyway by allowing Jesus to die on the cross in our place. By simply believing on Jesus, we get to have all our sins washed away, just as if we had never sinned. This is the type of love with which we are to love our wives. It is a love put into action. We are to sacrifice the fulfillment of our own wants and needs by dying to ourselves, and seek to meet the needs and desires of our wives. Third, it is a servant love. If we remember from the Gospel of John, at the last supper, Jesus girded himself with a towel and began washing the disciples’ feet. Now in those days much of their travel was done on foot, and as a result their feet would become dirty from the dust and mire of the roads they walked on. The household servants (for those who had them) would then wash their feet and that of their guests. So Jesus, being the Lord and creator of the entire universe, took on a job done by the lowliest of servants. He had every right to ask the disciples to wash his feet, but he humbled himself to serve them and model the type of behavior we are to exhibit toward one another. So too, as the head of our homes, we as men have the authority to ask our wives to serve us, but rather than using our authority to serve ourselves we should humble ourselves to serve our wives. Instead of complaining that the house work is not done or dinner is not made, we should humble ourselves and help out by doing the job instead once in a while. We get to go to work and come home again, leaving our work behind, but her job never ends. I heard another pastor say that the most important job happens when we come home to our wives and children. Like a workout in the gym, this is the big lift. This is where it really counts. You are the general of your family and king of your castle, but she is not merely a common soldier or servant. She is your queen, and as a result she needs to be treated as such. God has given her to you to be your helpmate, so you should desire her input and be willing to yield to her wants and needs when possible. We are to love our wives as we would love ourselves. As we would that others would do to us, we are to do for our wives.
Jesus also loves the Church by sanctifying and cleansing it with the water of the Word. In like manner, Jesus Christ and His Word are to be at the center of our marriages and families. It is our job to lead our wives and children in serving the Lord and studying the Word of God. It is up to us to ensure that our families are regularly attending Church and fellowshipping with other believers. So often we as men are willing to let our wives do that job, but that is not the Lord's will for us. If our families are going astray from the Lord, the blame has to come back to us as husbands. As the head goes, so does the rest of the body.
You might say, "You don't know my wife." My response to that is that you are correct. I don't know your wife, but the Word of God still remains true. Our job is not to change our wives so that they submit to us, but to do our part in loving them unconditionally. We are not called to love them because they deserve it (they do not), but we are called to love them because the Lord says so. The apostle Paul wrote to the Colossians, "Husbands, love your wives, and be not bitter against them." (Colossians 3:19) We are not to allow bitterness to set in when our wives are disrespectful and do not submit to us, but we are to love and respect them anyway. The best chance they have of coming around is through our love, respect, and our prayers. Peter writes, "Likewise, ye husbands, dwell with them according to knowledge, giving honour unto the wife, as unto the weaker vessel, and as being heirs together of the grace of life; that your prayers be not hindered." (1 Peter 3:7) We are to dwell with our wives according to knowledge (with understanding), and honor them as the weaker vessel. I have heard it said that men are like A&W root beer mugs: you can bump and clang them around, but they remain intact. They might get a chip or a scratch here and there, but they'll be ok. Women, on the other hand, are like crystal. If you bang crystal around it shatters, and it cannot be put back together again. If we mistreat our wives through disrespect, harshness, or abuse, they may eventually reach a breaking point. Once there, only the Lord can heal them and put them back together. Praise God for his healing and restoring power. We need to remember that our wives are co-heirs with us of the grace of life. When we mistreat them we are mistreating the Lord's daughter. That's the kind of dad you don't want to mess with. When we fail in this area, the Scriptures actually state it can hinder our prayers. If we ever feel like our prayers are just hitting the ceiling, one of the questions we need to ask ourselves is how are we treating our wives? Again, as the spiritual heads of our homes the Lord holds us to a higher standard, and we as husbands and fathers have a lot of influence on what direction our families will go.
As men, we also are to work hard in order to support ourselves and provide for our wives and children. Consider the following Scriptures: “The person who labors, labors for himself, For his hungry mouth drives him on.” (Proverbs 16:26) “For even when we were with you, we commanded you this: If anyone will not work, neither shall he eat.” (2 Thessalonians 3:10) But if anyone does not provide for his own, and especially for those of his household, he has denied the faith and is worse than an unbeliever.” (1 Timothy 5:8) So, we see that an able-bodied man should work to care for himself and his family, and if he does not, he is worse than a nonbeliever. Interestingly enough, the more and more the Church has drifted away from these instructions, the more Church attendance has declined. After both spouses working, taking care of the household responsibilities, and doing things with their children, a lot of families are just too worn out to attend Church more than once a week. Even once a week has become too much for some. I understand there are other variables at play here, but I believe it nonetheless is one of them. As women and men begin to neglect these roles, it begins to chip away at the family structure, and it can place undue stress on marriages. Additionally, Paul wrote to Titus that the men are to be sober-minded, living a life characterized by good works. In doctrine/teaching, they are to have integrity, reverence, incorruptibility, and be of sound speech. Like as with the women, this is to live a life that is above reproach, and silence those who are opposed to the Gospel.
I don't know about you, but I think the Lord's commands to husbands are just as difficult as those of our wives, if not more so. As I have written this, I am convicted of how often I fall short of God's Word in these areas. Loving our wives with the unconditional love of Jesus Christ and respecting them as the Scriptures teach are indeed some tall orders, but again the Lord's commandments are his enablements. If we will purpose in our hearts to submit to the authority of his Word, he will give us the power to walk in obedience.
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