Last time in Ephesians, we talked about marriage. We saw how it is between one man and one woman, and that it is for life. Paul gave two basic rules for marriage, that if both follow, it would eliminate most of our marital problems. Wives are to submit to their own husbands as unto Christ, and men are to love their wives, even as Christ loves the Church. Men are to lead their families in serving the Lord by teaching them the Word.
Continuing on in Ephesians, Paul writes, “Children, obey your parents in the Lord, for this is right. ‘Honor your father and mother,’ which is the first commandment with promise: ‘that it may be well with you and you may live long on the earth.’” God’s directive to children is that they obey their parents, and to do so because it is right in His eyes. The primary way that children receive teaching and instruction for life is through their parents; it is set up this way by the Lord. Solomon wrote to his sons, “My son, keep your father’s command, and do not forsake the law of your mother. Bind them continually upon your heart; tie them around your neck. When you roam, they will lead you; when you sleep, they will keep you; and when you awake, they will speak with you. For the commandment is a lamp, and the law a light; reproofs of instruction are the way of life.” (Pro 6:20-23) The idea here is that parents are to teach their children about the Lord by using the Scriptures, and it is for their good. It is this teaching and instruction that guides them through and keeps them safe in life. Most importantly, they show them the way to eternal life. Our society deems a child a legal adult somewhere between the age of 18 and 21, but it is probably more related to when they leave home, get married, or both. The Lord said in Genesis, “Therefore a man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife, and they shall become one flesh.”
Although adult children no longer have to obey their parents, they still need to honor them. The word honor means to highly value or revere them. They are the ones who brought us into this world, and they are the ones who raised and took care of us until we were adults. Even as adults they still help us from time to time. Most importantly, they are the ones who taught us about the Lord. To honor them does not mean everything they do is right or that we should act like this is so, but that we should respect them for their position in life as our parents. If they are wrong, we should not rebuke them harshly, but attempt to persuade them with longsuffering and a soft tongue (1 Tim 5:1-2 and Pro 25:15). The commandment for children to honor their parents is the first commandment with promise. We are promised that it will go well with us, and that we will live long on the land, or at least we will be more blessed and live longer than we would otherwise if we dishonor our parents.
Although these first two directives are to children, parents have something to learn from it as well. First, if it is the Lord’s expectation that children obey and honor their parents, then this means the parents are the ones solely responsible for them. It is a prevailing thought today that children belong to the collective whole or even to the State, but this flies directly in the face of the Scriptures and the Lord’s plan for family life. It does NOT take a village to raise a child (just sayin’). If we recall, they are a gift or a possession from the Lord, so according to the Scriptures, our children belong to us, given to us by God Himself. Yes, children need to respect and obey other authority figures, but from the Scriptures we can see that Mom and Dad have the final say.
Second, if the Lord says that children are to obey and honor their parents, it is the parents’ job to instill this into them. From the passage in Proverbs we already discussed, Solomon was teaching his sons. I cannot stress enough the importance of dads being, not only involved in the training of their children, but the leaders in doing so. Statistically speaking, when Mom is the spiritual leader of the home, the children sometimes follow, but when dad is the spiritual leader, the numbers are significantly higher.
The importance of obedience, including that of children to their parents, is stressed all throughout the Scriptures. It is not for acceptance into the kingdom of God, but because we are already part of the Kingdom through faith in Jesus Christ. So too, children are born into our family, and nothing can change this, no matter how they behave. However, because they have been given to us, and because we love them, we teach them right and wrong so that they can live a long and prosperous life. For parents to neglect this responsibility is to rob them of these blessings. Naturally, our children are not always on board with this idea of obedience, so it is up to us as parents to administer appropriate consequences with the goal of changing their minds.
The third directive in this passage is to dads. Fathers are not to provoke their children to anger. I believe this applies to both parents, but the Lord, in His wisdom, knows that dads have a greater tendency to struggle with this. There are a lot of things that can provoke our children to anger, but in my experience, nothing provokes anger more than someone else’s anger. Especially as dads, we are the head authority figure, and what we say goes. When a dad becomes angry, it can be quite intimidating from the perspective of a small child. When they are younger, children will normally comply out of fear, but as they grow, that can turn into resentment, bitterness, and rebellion. It really places a child or teenager in a difficult spot: If they want to please the Lord, they will try to obey and honor their parents, but they are not left a lot of recourse when the parent is easily angered and becomes unreasonable. This anger does not have to be abuse, as most of us are not beating on our wives or kids. It can be merely impatience, unwillingness to listen, and quick to mete out punishments that are harsh or more than is necessary. If we are parents, most of us have been on both the giving and receiving end of this type of anger. However, I believe the major problem lies when we are in the habit of acting this way toward our children. Paul even adds another detail in his letter to the Colossians that the child can become discouraged. If a child is having issues with anger, depression, or rebellion, it is likely there is a parent or other authority figure at home with an anger problem.
As we discussed in chapter 4, we are to put all wrath and anger away from us. Our tendency as dads sometimes is to think that we need to use our anger to motivate our kids to do what we want, to toughen them up, or to make them successful in life. This may appear to work in the short-term; in fact, some children respond to this motivation. However, it does not in the long-run. David wrote of the Lord, “You have also given me the shield of Your salvation; Your right hand has held me up, Your gentleness has made me great.” (Psa 18:35) It was not the Lord’s anger, harshness, or meanness that made David great, but it was His gentleness. For those of us who have read about David, he was no wimp. He was a man’s man who was a successful warrior, but he was also a man after God’s own heart. The Lord had David’s heart, and I believe this was largely due to His gentleness. Do not misunderstand, I am not saying that we cannot be firm or even raise our voices with our children, for firmness is exactly what they need at times. This firmness is something our wives have a more difficult time matching, especially with teenage boys. However, this firmness should be rooted in love rather than pride and anger.
Again, Paul is addressing dads when he says they should bring them up in the training and admonition of the Lord. Training refers to a training by act, and speaks more to the discipline a child needs. Now, there is the obvious discipline when a child misbehaves, and there is the discipline of making them do things they don’t want to do like working hard and taking responsibility for their actions. In whatever the case, the goal is to make the child a better person while they are young, as well as when they are adults. We do this because we love them. Proverbs says, “He who spares his rod hates his son, but he who loves him disciplines him promptly.” (Pro 13:24) If you are a parent looking for advice on how to train children, the book of Proverbs has a lot to say on the subject. There is also a ministry called Solve Family Problems that gives biblical solutions to family and Church problems.
The word admonition refers to the verbal training a child needs. As we previously discussed, this is from the parents teaching their children the Scriptures. In Deuteronomy it states, “And these words which I command you today shall be in your heart. You shall teach them diligently to your children, and shall talk of them when you sit in your house, when you walk by the way, when you lie down, and when you rise up. You shall bind them as a sign on your hand, and they shall be as frontlets between your eyes. You shall write them on the doorposts of your house and on your gates.” (Deut 6:6-9) The Lord and His word are to be constantly on our minds and hearts, and Jesus should be central to everything we do and say. It’s obviously not the only thing we talk about, but more what our words and actions hinge on. I don’t only talk about my wife and children, but because I love them, they are central to what I do and say. How much more with the Lord.
Both training and admonition are necessary for the rearing of the child. Proverbs says, “The rod and rebuke give wisdom, but a child left to himself brings shame to his mother.” (Prov 29:15) Without the verbal instruction, the child lacks the understanding of what is right and wrong, and although he or she is disciplined, will not fully understand why or how to change their behavior. Without the discipline, the child will understand what is expected of him or her, but will often lack the incentive to change. In summary, rather than motivating our children with anger, we should do so with loving discipline and verbal instruction.
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